Growing Past the Ghost: Why Forgiving Doesn't Mean Forgetting

 

In the last few years, I have lost several long-term friends and relationships, all the while navigating my 20s, filled with academic stress and perpetual anxiety regarding my future career. Needless to say most of these relationships end at a very ugly note, with some absolutely bizarre reasoning or no reasoning at all, putting you at a loss, or at a stage that makes you wonder things like, "Where did it go wrong?", "Did I actually know this person?", "Was anything about this friendship/ relationship ever real?" "If yes, how much of it?, If no, Why not?", "Was I really that bad?", "Do I not serve any purpose to them anymore? Is that why they are leaving?" and many more . If any of this resonated with you and hit just at home, believe me you are not alone in this!

The reason I feel talking about this is important now, is because, our generation is especially bad at communicating their feelings, at the age where communication has been made the easiest. We feel running away from feelings, hiding behind the screen or ghosting that friend we have grown out of, or blocking and unfollowing them and moving on is easier than facing how we actually feel, or talking things out with the friend we had an argument with. People of our generation or even earlier generation who are getting adapted to this new world of tech, are getting more and more used to compensating "Sitting with their feelings" with "Distractions and Dopamine Bursts"  . This is exactly why those of us who are the feelers, or the ones who were probably more invested in those relationships end up riddled with questions, guilt and self doubt. 
This is where the quote I have attached with this post comes in, it is from one of my favourite
K-dramas :'It's Okay to Not Be Okay'. This scene from 'It's Okay to Not Be Okay' is featured in "The Boy Who Fed on Nightmares," the dark children's book written by Ko Mun-yeong in the drama's premiere episode. The story follows a boy who begs a witch to erase his traumatic memories, only to grow up empty and deeply unhappy. He ultimately realizes that true emotional growth requires us to confront and overcome our deepest pain rather than trying to forget it.

That's exactly what we feelers need to learn and practice! We need to accept that some relationships can't be fixed anymore, as in these cases "It takes two, to float a boat!" .  Like the boy, we need to acknowledge our feelings, be it of hurt, betrayal, guilt, disappointment or any other, sit with them, face them, try to seek closure if we have to, maybe dump our feelings in a letter, notepad poetry or whatever if closure in person isn't possible, and then grow out of them and eventually move on from those feelings. 

Personally this is how I generally accept it and eventually move on:
1. Sit with my emotions and give myself time to process.
2. Vent out to a close trusted friend when both of us are ready for it. 
3. Remember only the Best memories, Let go of them for the Worst ones and Wish them Best for Future, Just Not as Part Of My Life and Bid Goodbye! 
I have honestly gotten better at accepting and growing from these experiences, and I hope you get better as well! Losing people and falling out of favour are part and parcel of life and especially in your 20s, as everyone starts walking a different path and have new experiences. It is a season of shedding old skins and facing quiet storms, but it is also the very ground where we find our true strength. So, take a deep breath, let the past teach you rather than trap you, and trust that you are fully capable of overcoming this. Your soul is meant to grow.

With love,
Diya 💗